As a kid, I always felt like I would understand people better when I grew up.

So much for that idea…

So many things I would like to say, and no words really fit together to form the pattern that I need, So, instead I say nothing and wait for you to speak instead.

I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.

Talking to people about music generally sucks due to them not being as open minded as me on the subject. 

When I say “I love music” I mean “I LOVE MUSIC”.

None of this “I love music except for…” bullshit.

No. I don’t want to hear it.

Current Status: Over Ripe Tomato

Go ahead and laugh

My fault

Lots of pain… no Aloe vera

Sometimes the littlest things get to me.

Like, we have bananas in the fruit bowl on the kitchen table.

That seems innocuous, enough right?

Well, North was the only one here that really loved bananas.

I really miss the little guy…

Sometimes when passing by others while riding in a car, I look through the windows at their faces. I wonder where they are going, where they have been. I wonder what it would be like to be them, to have what they have. Some of them look so happy, or seemingly have so much. It’s so easy to infer things, to assume things. Maybe if I could trade places, go to there they are going, maybe it would be easier than being where I am, being me, going to where I’m headed, coming from where I’ve been. 

But, I remind myself that, while the things I’m going through, living every day of my life with… these are my problems. These are my issues. I know them as well as I know all the good and all the magical moments of my life. I know them, because they are me. No one else can deal with them the way I can, no one else could ever manage, because they aren’t me. In that same light, all those issues that the other person has is their own. I can’t be them, I can’t fill their shoes.

And at that moment, I look away as they drive past, or as well pass them. I look away and look back to where I’m going, sometimes back to where I’ve been. 

It’s sometimes near impossible to be me, it’s sometimes the most painful most difficult thing I have to deal with. 

But at least I understand it.

I think the person I’m most upset with is myself. had I not given so much, cared so much, let them get in deep it wouldn’t matter. I let them have that, let them have too much. It’s my fault really, my fault for caring in the first place. It’s not the first time and it’s not the last. Why give so many chances, why care so much for those that clearly won’t. Just to get hurt? Just to have another unseen scar, another festering wound somewhere deep inside that never heals? 

Seems worth it, right?

Funny how people vanish without a word, and never once look back. Makes me wonder what I did to deserve it. Makes me wish it was as easy for me as it is for them. Just flip a switch and care no longer. Sometimes I feel my heart is my biggest weakness…

Huh, actually crawling into bed before the sun is up… kinda makes sleeping easier. Novel concept, that. Who knew?